The mourning

For the last week or so I have felt strange. I am an actress and a singer. For the longest time my passion has been acting, it seems like I have had the goal of becoming a famous actress since I was 10yrs old. Why did I want to become famous? Well first of all I was very specific about that: I wanted to be famous for being a great actress, nothing else would do. I wanted this for the acknowledgment and for the freedom that the money that comes with that would give e.g. traveling and a nice house on the water.
I had just finished a play in which I wasn't always perfect but I will say that I did a good job and on some nights a great job. Shortly after that my husband lost his day job, a job that he hated (he's really a writer) but that had given us money in the bank while I pursued the acting. We told no one about this, not wanting to worry our families. To be honest I had moments when it made me nervous but for the most part I wasnt worried, I knew he would find something else and we would survive. At the same time I really started to look at my own side of this life, I'm 33 and still doing plays. Dont get me wrong I love plays and I know an actor is supposed to only do it for the love of acting but in an ideal world you would also earn money doing this thing you love.
I auditioned for another play, I got the part and read the script before I accepted. I didnt believe in the script so I turned it down. I used to be the kind of actor that would do any work I was offered because thats what I thought you were supposed to do but now could no longer do that. I had to believe in it and it had to be serving the audience in some way, whether that was to bring them joy or bring them emotional healing, it had to be something. It was suggested to me to watch Friday Night Lights. I started watching and was instantly hooked, I watched all 4 seasons that were available on Netflix. This show is absolutely beautiful, magnificent in every way. You can tell the actors are fulfilled creatively. There is humour but also the opportunity for us as the audience to be healed emotionally and to be inspired to love. After watching this I knew this is the kind of thing I want to be involved in, it could be a play but I would rather it was a tv show.
Following watching these seasons came a week of almost an audition for different things every day, they had been scheduled a month earlier. Being a person who lately followed her heart I cancelled them all. I just felt unenthusiastic about any of them. This threw me a little. Did I not love acting anymore? I felt like the only things I wanted to do was work on my inner self (meditation and such) and be on a tv show. The former was easy, I had no idea how to do the latter.
Here I am a few days later and I am still feeling a little lost, I am unexcited about anything. I've no idea what is next or what I want to be next and I am wondering if I am mourning the loss of believing that something outside of you can bring you happiness. Even though this all feels uncomfortable I am willing to sit with it and see what happens. I'll keep you posted or maybe I wont.