For four days now I have been literally backed up, if you know what I mean. I know emotionally this is connected to not allowing your life to flow through you. Its like a vicious circle, you feel resistant to how your life is and then you get constipated and then you feel resistant to being constipated, until eventually you drink the Senna tea hoping that will work with a minimal amount of pain.
All this has got me very frustrated with myself. I was doing pretty well with Sean and I being out of work for the first month. Then we moved into the second month and I got more and more fearful and worried. This makes me feel like a failure spiritually. If I can fall apart so easily. Here's to tomorrow when I will hopefully drag myself out of this funk. I'm left with a question: If I accept where I'm at emotionally how do I then shift to a lighter place.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
new road
There were many times in my past where I would be walking or driving down a new road and I would suddenly feel like there was a bad vibe there. If my husband was with me I would actually say to him that this place has a negative energy. The other day I was walking my dog and I decided to turn down a street I'd never been down before. I started to feel that same feeling but this time I realized that it wasn't actually the energy of the road that was bothering me, it was the fact that it was new and unknown. I didn't know this place and it felt uncomfortable and unsafe for me. As soon as I realized this the feeling dissipated and the new road felt fun and exciting. Right now I feel like I am on a new road internally too, a road of the heart space where you only do what the heart wants instead of doing what the mind says you should do. There are times when this feels uncomfortable and unsafe. My mind starts to say "wait, you should be worrying about things so that we can get things done". And just like I noticed the truth of my feelings on that road that day I am now noticing that what my mind is saying is not true.
I still have not been jumping out of my seat to choose things to do in and with my life. This still feels a little odd but I was listening to a recording of my guru Dr Peebles and he was saying to someone that the reason they are feeling neutral about everything right now is because they are letting go of the old patterning of doing what the mind says they should do. You move through this phase of neutrality into a place of only doing what the heart wants to do. This comforted me a lot and made me feel even more okay with being where I am right now. All is well.
I still have not been jumping out of my seat to choose things to do in and with my life. This still feels a little odd but I was listening to a recording of my guru Dr Peebles and he was saying to someone that the reason they are feeling neutral about everything right now is because they are letting go of the old patterning of doing what the mind says they should do. You move through this phase of neutrality into a place of only doing what the heart wants to do. This comforted me a lot and made me feel even more okay with being where I am right now. All is well.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The mourning
For the last week or so I have felt strange. I am an actress and a singer. For the longest time my passion has been acting, it seems like I have had the goal of becoming a famous actress since I was 10yrs old. Why did I want to become famous? Well first of all I was very specific about that: I wanted to be famous for being a great actress, nothing else would do. I wanted this for the acknowledgment and for the freedom that the money that comes with that would give e.g. traveling and a nice house on the water.
I had just finished a play in which I wasn't always perfect but I will say that I did a good job and on some nights a great job. Shortly after that my husband lost his day job, a job that he hated (he's really a writer) but that had given us money in the bank while I pursued the acting. We told no one about this, not wanting to worry our families. To be honest I had moments when it made me nervous but for the most part I wasnt worried, I knew he would find something else and we would survive. At the same time I really started to look at my own side of this life, I'm 33 and still doing plays. Dont get me wrong I love plays and I know an actor is supposed to only do it for the love of acting but in an ideal world you would also earn money doing this thing you love.
I auditioned for another play, I got the part and read the script before I accepted. I didnt believe in the script so I turned it down. I used to be the kind of actor that would do any work I was offered because thats what I thought you were supposed to do but now could no longer do that. I had to believe in it and it had to be serving the audience in some way, whether that was to bring them joy or bring them emotional healing, it had to be something. It was suggested to me to watch Friday Night Lights. I started watching and was instantly hooked, I watched all 4 seasons that were available on Netflix. This show is absolutely beautiful, magnificent in every way. You can tell the actors are fulfilled creatively. There is humour but also the opportunity for us as the audience to be healed emotionally and to be inspired to love. After watching this I knew this is the kind of thing I want to be involved in, it could be a play but I would rather it was a tv show.
Following watching these seasons came a week of almost an audition for different things every day, they had been scheduled a month earlier. Being a person who lately followed her heart I cancelled them all. I just felt unenthusiastic about any of them. This threw me a little. Did I not love acting anymore? I felt like the only things I wanted to do was work on my inner self (meditation and such) and be on a tv show. The former was easy, I had no idea how to do the latter.
Here I am a few days later and I am still feeling a little lost, I am unexcited about anything. I've no idea what is next or what I want to be next and I am wondering if I am mourning the loss of believing that something outside of you can bring you happiness. Even though this all feels uncomfortable I am willing to sit with it and see what happens. I'll keep you posted or maybe I wont.
I had just finished a play in which I wasn't always perfect but I will say that I did a good job and on some nights a great job. Shortly after that my husband lost his day job, a job that he hated (he's really a writer) but that had given us money in the bank while I pursued the acting. We told no one about this, not wanting to worry our families. To be honest I had moments when it made me nervous but for the most part I wasnt worried, I knew he would find something else and we would survive. At the same time I really started to look at my own side of this life, I'm 33 and still doing plays. Dont get me wrong I love plays and I know an actor is supposed to only do it for the love of acting but in an ideal world you would also earn money doing this thing you love.
I auditioned for another play, I got the part and read the script before I accepted. I didnt believe in the script so I turned it down. I used to be the kind of actor that would do any work I was offered because thats what I thought you were supposed to do but now could no longer do that. I had to believe in it and it had to be serving the audience in some way, whether that was to bring them joy or bring them emotional healing, it had to be something. It was suggested to me to watch Friday Night Lights. I started watching and was instantly hooked, I watched all 4 seasons that were available on Netflix. This show is absolutely beautiful, magnificent in every way. You can tell the actors are fulfilled creatively. There is humour but also the opportunity for us as the audience to be healed emotionally and to be inspired to love. After watching this I knew this is the kind of thing I want to be involved in, it could be a play but I would rather it was a tv show.
Following watching these seasons came a week of almost an audition for different things every day, they had been scheduled a month earlier. Being a person who lately followed her heart I cancelled them all. I just felt unenthusiastic about any of them. This threw me a little. Did I not love acting anymore? I felt like the only things I wanted to do was work on my inner self (meditation and such) and be on a tv show. The former was easy, I had no idea how to do the latter.
Here I am a few days later and I am still feeling a little lost, I am unexcited about anything. I've no idea what is next or what I want to be next and I am wondering if I am mourning the loss of believing that something outside of you can bring you happiness. Even though this all feels uncomfortable I am willing to sit with it and see what happens. I'll keep you posted or maybe I wont.
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